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Independent On Sunday Poem Of
The Week: The Battle of Balaclava
| 1. |
God
threw a ball in the air. 3-ply. |
| 2. |
Eve
tempted Adam with the ball of wool, rammed the needle down the
serpent's throat. |
| 3. |
'My
wool pyramid will last ten thousand years!' said the Pharaoh. |
| 4. |
The
Three Kings brought wool, wool, and wool. |
| 5. |
'Is
this The Renaissance?' they asked, as needles were invented. |
| 6. |
'Watch
out for the woolberg!' cried the Captain of the Titanic. |
| 7. |
Sign
this. Just here. It's 12.15, it's Runnymede, the needles are
dipped in the best ink. |
| 8. |
The
Wright Brothers knitted furiously in mid-air. |
| 9. |
'Mass
produced patterns, Now!' yelled William Caxton. |
| 10. |
'I
may be some time' said Captain Oates, 'I've left my needles in
the glacier.' |
| 11. |
Columbus turned
back, excited, pulling out the continent as he went. |
| 12. |
Hold
this wool, said Eva Braun, as Hitler and Goebbels did the salute
together. |
| 13. |
That's
one small stitch for man, one giant stitch for mankind. |
| 14. |
Evolution
advanced as the caveperson invented the wool. |
| 15. |
'Come
in here a minute' said Alexander Graham Bell down his wool phone.
'Pardon?' said his assistant from the next room. |
| 16. |
The
dinosaurs died out slowly, failing to knit thermals fast enough
as the ice age approached. |
| 17. |
Isaac
Newton felt nothing as the wool apple bounced off his head. Gravity
remained undiscovered for another two hundred years and people
flew around like seagulls. |
| 18. |
They
found Custer and all his men wrapped in wool. Dead, but cosy. |
| 19. |
Henry
VIII knitted wives seven and eight. It gave him a feeling of
power. |
| 20. |
Noah's
wool ark floated. No, I tell a lie. |
| 21. |
Kitchener
was waiting to pose for his poster. 'Hurry up with that moustache'
he shouted to his wife. |
| 22. |
Jesus
turned the water into wool. 'I'm new at this' he said. |
| 23. |
The
Mona Lisa was just about to laugh. Those wool vests really tickled. |
| 24. |
The
Sixth Beatle: the one made of wool who didn't get to the first
reahearsal because, being made of wool, he couldn't open the
door to get out of the house. |
| 25. |
The
scientists nodded in triumph. This was the sound of The Big Bang:
needles clicking. |
"Brilliant flashes of
individual inspiration" Guardian
"Weird and wonderful" Daily Telegraph
Independent On Sunday Poem Of The Week
The Battle Of Balaclava
Rows of us,
Neat rows of us
Standing with the balaclavas ready.
The enemy approached,
Rows of them,
Neat rows of them.
We stood with the balaclavas ready.
I must admit
I was sweating a little
And it wasn't just the wool in my hands
That was making me sweat,
It was the enemy,
Rows of them,
Neat rows of them.
General Balaclava
Said
'Steady...steady...steady'
then he said
'Throw!
Throw the balaclavas!
Throw them now! '
And we threw them.
They flopped through the air
Like small black clouds,
Landed on the floor like dirty puddles.
The enemy stepped over them,
Advanced.
© Ian McMillan 2001
Read: Ian McMillan - The Shed
Poems
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